Are parents everywhere just winging it?

Watching my daughter draw the other day, I stumbled upon one of the timeless parenting questions that have neither a right nor wrong answer. When your child is doing something the wrong way, do you correct them or let them figure it out for themselves?

She was happy, entertained, undertaking a creative activity … but she was coloring all wrong! She just turned 2 in March, so why I expect her to be able to hold a marker correctly is beyond me, but I felt I had to show her how to hold it so the side of the marker presses into the page instead of the tip. Coloring with just the tip seemed hardly gratifying to me as it just put little scratches on the page. The second I tried to help her, a tantrum arose and that was it for the fun.

I felt perplexed. Was it wrong of me to try and show her how to color? She seemed happy, so why did I feel the need to direct her differently? As a parent, it’s hard to know when you should let your kid figure it out on their own and when to offer guidance. There are some days when I feel all I do is bark orders of one kind or another. If she’s happy, but carrying out some craft incorrectly, shouldn’t I just leave her alone?

A couple days later, I tried a different route. We were drawing again, but this time out in the driveway with the sidewalk chalk tracing each other. We took turns. First she lay down and I traced her outline, a small 2-D child in pink chalk. Then it was my turn. I gamely lay down on the rough concrete. She went to each limb and was very serious and focused. I stood up and looked down and all I could see were some faint scratch marks. There was no shape at all. Nevertheless, I clapped my hands and exclaimed in excitement over such a fine job.

This time it was her turn to look perplexed. Looking down at her outline and then at mine, she clearly could see something was amiss and looked to me for guidance. But did I give it to her? Oh, no. She’s having fun, playing outdoors in the gorgeous sunshine and somewhere in there, she’s learning something all on her own, right?

After two years, I am still unsure of my role as a parent in some regards. Am I there for guidance, or just support? I can envision women with older children wisely telling me we are there for both, some combination of encouragement and direction, but that invisible line is not always clear. It’s times like these that make me wonder if parents anywhere really know what they are doing. Just when you figure out how to do one thing, a child will move onto the next and everyone has to learn a new skill. I imagine this to be true even as your children become adults. Growing up you think your parents have all the answers, but now that I’m a parent myself, I have to wonder, are parents everywhere just winging it?

I know eventually I will figure out when to give gentle instruction and when to just clap my hands enthusiastically. Clearly, there is a balance there somewhere. Simply doing one or the other would almost certainly raise an ill-adjusted adult. In the meantime I’ll align myself with parents everywhere and just wing it.

Previously published in "The Star," Grand Coulee, Washington. July 13, 2011